I, like everyone else, was dealt a real blow when SZA dropped Ctrl, and broke my little heart. I played the album so many times that by the time her concert tickets went on sale I'd already decided to not go and entertain my demons in public. I do it, but I'm not a fan of feeling (read: crying) in public to be honest.
SZA's final assault 20 Something, has been playing over and over in my mind, possibly dragging me into another slump simultaneously.
I really thought that i would have everything together by now. i didn’t think i’d only now be making my first real attempt at being on my own. i appreciate that i made mistakes that my parents were behind me on, even when i was 100% right. money’s looking right. Circle is up-lifting. volunteering my time and energy to a space and community that helps keep my mental and physical health in check. I’m just on auto-pilot. I think the lack of stimulation’s been fucking with me.
There is a snaking pain that holds it’s heavy head in the left curve of my neck, coils his way tightly down the entire column, only to then become dead weight and irritating compression. Pain meds oddly enough do, but massages (with tiger balm and THC oil, amazing) helps. Yoga helps, walking helps. putting a new firm slated board under your mattress helps.
Originally, the idea was to go into autopilot. I had a strict budget that I checked religiously along with my stocks and bonds.The debt...it fuelled me. It got me going into the morning, I wanted to be able to say I was 24 with my shit together. You plan, the universe laughs. To be honest, with the help of MINT in getting all my revenue/investments in order, and that progress bar on my debts. It felt nice to get my October report with some smiley face, noting that I'm even ahead of my goal. I definitely plan to balance that out when Rih drops her next Fenty Beauty like. I'm not really into the pallets (except to watch others apply them), but I hear something about liquid lipstick and eyeliner. I've accepted my future inability to save money. My bank book is already shaking its head at October 13th.
One of the advantages of being short, includes seeing people at a distance, usually way before they spot me. Unfortunately, when it comes to people, hindsight is 20/20. One of the last few things my grandmother (God keep her) told me before she passed on was to listen when my stomach is talking to me. So far, where 2017 could have thrown me into a tailspin, I've been able to avoid major problems by going with my gut; I wish I made more decisions like that in 2016, and stuck with them.
Sometimes when you meet people your spirit doesn't take them on. Sometimes we take this absence as "oh I should try harder" instead of listening to our stomachs and bowing out. There's no shame in bowing out. There's no shame in bowing out. The stars don't align forever and somethings fizzle out before they even start. One thing I've learned is that actions speak louder than words and the absence of both is even more resounding.
last Sunday i snapped. similar situations as last year: new job at the bank, stolen moments in new york city during the magical celebration of Caribbean culture, a longing to finally have things on track for once; but i really believe that stress brought this on.i work for a pretty big company and some time changes have to happen in shorter-periods of time or that we were learning on the go. Initially I was even excited for this (it quickly wore off), I was up for the new challenge.
I really thought I was handling it well, and the low and behold I was bottom out Sunday morning, a blubbering mess. I’m listening to my body, and it’s telling me the stress i feel compressing my spine and the compaction in my lower back is because thing are too much. On Sunday, I was really just thinking get through today, then Monday you can just go radio silent until your last day of the week on Tuesday. I just wanted to not come undone before Tuesday. You make plan, God laughs.
Being off has done me a lot of good. I’ve had the time to slow down, sleep, really rest with DND on, The yoga studio I work at has amazing restorative and yin classes in the early afternoon. I’ve been spending my morning with tea and medical in the backyard, giving my good mornings to the sun and poking around my mother’s tomatoes in the garden —she even has one with a husk like this one! Thank God for insurance, seriously, because I still feel like i’m two intense massages before my back and shoulders feel like normal. To be honest I just want someone with strong hands tenderize my back and shoulders with Tiger Balm. As the days pass buy I feel like myself more and more. The house is finally clean, I can see my bedroom floor, the laundry isn’t piling up (or overflowing).It sounds really silly, but as a person who was struggling to get out of bed every morning for weeks, I’m super proud of myself. It’s a real privilege that I 10000% acknowledge to be in two spaces that are concerned with and value my mental health. both at work and at home (and obviously with friends and family) those who got me are sensitive to bad days and sour periods; i can't thank my parents, friends, and managers enough for their patience with me.
Last year this wouldn’t have been possible. I would have jumped at Namur or hopped with barrier on the overpass. Trying to get a grip on my mental health, especially when there’s always a piece of lucidity trying to rise for the ashes no matter what medication i’m on, has been an uphill battle. Last year I definitely could not have taken a peaceful time to rest and get my mind right. I wouldn’t received angry voice mails all questioning my worth and value, as if those questions were already swirling around in my head. No doubt if I was in the same position last year I would have stepped in front of that train. I wouldn’t of had this time off. I wouldn’t have insurance to get a massage and get my meds, nor the money to buy them. Despite moving full-steam ahead with my financial goal, there’s still so much work to be done on my heart and within my mind. I recognized the mindbodysoul connection, I hope I stabilize my frequency soon.